Nul Points

My co-worker has now been playing the Israeli Eurovision entry on loop since Thursday. And here was me thinking that there was nothing more annoying than the Crazy Frog, although I had nothing against the song prior to this eardrum assualt. In fact, I'd even like to thank "Shiri Maimon" for taking the time out of her busy schedule to sign my Guestmap! (Pregnant Pause) And also for inviting me to represent the Holy Land in next year's Eurovision: Thanks, doll, it would be my absolute pleasure! Except that if I was in it, I'd likely miss the fabulous Terry commentary, the only reason I imagine anyone ever watches the dubious cheese-fest in the first place.

Hmm. But even now as I start to piece together my fantasy backing band, I seem to remember a feature on dear old Guy Pines' show earlier this year, wherein a thin* girl was told she'd have to "start eating lettuce" if she wanted to be a serious contender for the Eurovision... Well, bang goes that one. And just think- I could have pulled the British votes in. I could have flashed my Trademark Underdog Charm and been convincing about World Peace. I could even have followed Shiri Maimon's exact path: last year my co-workers actually signed me up for "A Star Is Born" (the Israeli version of "Idol", for which she was a runner-up) without my knowing- but unfortunately the day of those auditions coincided with an 102 temperature and total voice loss. Perhaps it was a sign? Not sure if I could have coped with competing on National TV for the tastes of zillions of Israeli teens all vying to vote off the nervous immigrant with the funny accent.

Having said that, one should never make decisions based solely upon chance viewing of Guy Pines, or any other television show for that matter. (Almost booking spontaneous Alaskan trip following a special on A1 about Husky Racing, anyone?) I have to say, I actually missed Guy's silly little entertainment magazine show when I was in England being bombarded by those damn Crazy Frogs. I didn't realise just how much until I caught up, eating some jet-lagged Jaffa Cakes: Mr. Pines is not all bad. And is it my imagination, or has Natalie Portman's Hebrew suddenly and drastically improved? (I mention this having worried for her following all those mistakes on the podium at the Golden Globes... Maybe it is down to lots of deep and meaningfuls with that Israeli Soap Star she's been stepping out with- dating the natives doesn't half sharpen linguistic skills, so I'm told.)

Anyway- who am I to point the finger? If I'm going to be representing Israel in Greece next year, and be subject to the critique of Mr. Wogan as well as the other 82 Million countries allegedly now comprising "Europe", I'd better get to work on perfecting my accent.


*Thin by global standards, discounting America's Next Top Moron. Israeli "outsize" begins around UK Size 14.