Notes to a Small Island

Forgive me, Culture, for I have sinned. It has been 3 months since my last Q Magazine. But my ignorance aside, nothing can excuse the odd state of the British Charts.

So I was hanging my washing out with whatever I could find on the TV as background noise, eventually settling for the Top of the Pops repeat. And it wasn't pretty.

When the singles chart came along, I became very confused. When did all these newbies spring up? How is it that Britney Spears AND Jennifer Lopez are both high in the singles charts when neither of their releases can be honestly labeled a "song", being as they lack the basic component of discernible melody? Just as I was about to despair that music was dead, a motley A- Capella quartet performed Radiohead's "Creep". (If anyone can enlighten me as to how these young gentlemen became the current riders of the Album Chart, I'll be most grateful.) And with that odd burst of pseudo-originality, all was almost forgiven- until the idiot presenter referred to their musical style as "Opera". So I guess they've kept the policy on the no-brain-cell TOTP presenting prerequisite. Those funky retro graphics notwithstanding.

And why such a high proportion of dead people in the charts, and all those sampled songs? Have Britain's creative juices come to a commercial standstill? New Order put in a reasonable returning-to-form effort, but their energies seemed lost on the pre-pubescent audience: even the presenterbot sounded like she was unfamiliar with their legacy. I was forced to turn off when they announced Number One: unfortunately I remember the Stereophonics only too well, and catching their opening bars, "downhill" would be too generous.

I wonder if the UK charts were always this bizarre- or is it that I'm now just too old/far away to "get" it? Either way, in view of such home-grown pleasures, I'm beginning to understand- in a purely academic manner, of course- the universal appeal of the "Idol" Franchise.